im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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