dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
