when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
