Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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