My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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