I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
