If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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