You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
