I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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