im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
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