i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
