He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
