when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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