I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
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eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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