I think I won the penis lottery.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
