If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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