My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
