recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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