Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
