It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
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Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
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You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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