Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
