Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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