My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
