You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
