Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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