after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
