It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Randomize
