why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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