so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Randomize
