If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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