As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goatâ€
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
