I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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