I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
