sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
