wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
