My Higher Power is John Stamos
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We talked him into tasing himself.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
