PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
