Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Randomize
