Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
