I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
