my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
the liver wants what the liver wants
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
