How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize