It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
