Umm I'm too high to move.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
