Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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