theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
