I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
