If that was your dad, he is hot
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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