Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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