I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
