i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize