You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We are all done wearing pants today
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
