Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
