I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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