I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
