i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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