feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
